Which way do you swing?

I had a funny conversation with one of my coworkers the other day. We were talking about... whatever, and I was digging through this bag in my purse and some condoms were visible. He looked at them and laughed and said, "Why do you have those?" and I replied sarcastically, "Well, sometimes, I like to have protected sex." and then he looked at me funny. And it dawned on me! "Wait! You thought I was gay, didn't you?!" He nodded and then I proceeded to die laughing. This isn't the first time that this has happened to me and it tickles me pink that my sexual orientation is ambiguous to people. Quite frankly, I like to keep it that way. And just in case you are wondering, I'm not going to disclose my sexual orientation here, but you are welcome to make whatever inferences you want. It bothers me little.

Although our sexual orientation is thought to develop when we are very young- Freud believes it arises from conflicts during the phallic stage, so like 3 or 4 years old- most people do not start experimenting with their sexual orientation until after puberty. The teen years can be a strange time for this because of social mores in high school that tend to be less than accepting of non-heterosexuals. When you reach early adulthood however, especially if you go to college, you are often met with more relaxed and open views of sexuality. You are also more likely to meet or be more aware of people of varying sexual orientations at this phase in life. Just as the relaxed and more open minded sexual mores of young adulthood bring many people to experiment sexually, it also may bring them to experiment sexually with people of the same gender. This is not to say that every young adult is questioning their sexuality. Many are already firmly set in their sexual preference and have never questioned it. But, this is still a time when many young adults who have questioned their sexuality will experiment and possibly feel comfortable trying out a relationship with someone of the same sex. There is a lot involved in this for many people however. Even though young adults tend to be more open minded about this subject, it is still quite taboo to much of the nation. A person who is unsure about their sexual orientation will surely be influenced by the values of their peers, their family, church, community, etc. If they happen to decide that they are heterosexual, then the whole dilemma is over and done with in a snap, since that is the preferred and valued orientation in the United States. But, what if they decide they are homosexual or bisexual or some tendency in between? What if this decision is counter to the values of their family and friends?

Coming Out

In the book Our Sexuality (2005), Crooks and Baur describe coming out as "the process of becoming aware of and disclosing one's homosexual identity." The first step in this process is self realization. Many non-heterosexuals have always felt like they were different than their heterosexual peers. Either they had never been happy in heterosexual relationships or they had secretly had attractions toward persons of the same sex. Often however, it is hard for a person to realize these emotions because of their own homophobia. Once a person makes the realization, however, they still have to gain self-acceptance. It is hard to combat your own learned ideas and values about sexuality, especially if your religious values are conflicting. If you were raised in an family/environment where homosexuals were looked down on or discriminated against then it may be nearly impossible for you to overcome your own learned prejudices against homosexuals even if you may secretly realize your own homosexual tendencies. This will obviously cause internal conflict. This may be a hard step for most people regardless of the environment they were raised in, but the hardest step yet may be disclosure. Realizing and accepting that you are homosexual may be hard, but actually "coming out" to others can be difficult and even dangerous for many people. You may lose fiends, your family may not accept you, and you may possibly become the target of violence and overt discrimination. I mean, lets face it, we Americans (and all humans really), as open minded as we might like to make ourselves look, are actually very prejudiced and wary of people who are different. If you can't be like other people, then there must be something WRONG with you. So, coming out as a homosexual to anybody can be a serious situation. But, disclosure can also be an enlivening turning point in a non-heterosexual's life. It can mean being able to finally be who you are no matter what the situation. Maslow might say that this would be a step toward self-actualization, the highest level of psychological development. Indeed, coming out may be a huge turning point in a non-heterosexual's life that will affect all their other life decisions.

For all the heterosexuals reading this, I would like you take a moment to envision yourself as being secretly different from your friends and that this differentness is something taboo. Imagine that you have struggled with this idea for as long as you can remember and that you have never been able to feel like yourself around your friends because you secretly know that you are different. This feeling probably causes you to act in ways and say things that are counter to your real emotions and this makes you feel bad about yourself. Then imagine telling everyone the truth. Sure, some of them may not accept and others will, but you are finally able to say and act how you really feel. Wouldn't that be an amazing thing after not being able to do so for your entire life?

My point here is that our sexuality and sexual orientation are important parts of who we are. It may not be obvious to a person who has never had to question and has always been accepted for the way they were. Covering this sexual milestone for many young adults can be a resolution of both Erickson's stages of Identity versus Role Confusion and Intimacy versus Isolation.